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When you’re going through infertility, there’s nothing worse than hearing other people complain about all of the things you wish you had — morning sickness (boo hoo), food aversions (listen to all the things my dietician has told me to try to avoid just to try to get pregnant), too many doctors appointments (I’ll show you too many doctors appointments!), and then, later, a fussy baby (you poor thing).
If you couldn’t tell by the sarcastic remarks…going through infertility has made me, well, just a little less than sympathetic to their complaints. And if you’re anything like me, when you hear others complaining about all of the tough things that come with pregnancy and babies, you self-righteously think to yourself…They have no idea how grateful they should be! They are taking all of this for granted! If I were pregnant, I would never complain about those things!
But would you? Your My answer is, at first, well, my perspective has definitely changed. Now I wouldn’t complain, because of going through infertility.
But I don’t know about that, even. My question to you is still the same: But would you?
Several months ago a friend and I were swapping complaints about work, when suddenly she stopped abruptly, in the middle of conversation.
“No, I can’t believe I’m doing this! After I went through cancer treatments last year and had to take time off work, I told myself I would never complain about these stupid trivial things ever again…and here I am!”
That comment has always stuck with me, because I’m guilty of the exact same thing. Not too long ago, in the midst of trying to conceive, doctors found a spot of melanoma cancer on my leg. I’ll spare you the details, but the short story is that it involved quite a dramatic and unexpected surgery, as well as further testing on my lymph nodes to make sure it hadn’t spread.
As I waited for the test results to come back on my lymph nodes, I prayed, asking God that I would get good news, pleading with him for my life (a bit dramatic, I know) — telling Him that I didn’t care anymore about any of the other now-trivial things I had prayed for before; I just wanted good news.
And He gave me the answer I prayed for, and it changed me.
For a while.
But now, here I am, a year and a half later, back to my old ways. Still complaining about trivial things.
I don’t know about you, but if I have terrible morning sickness (that actually does sound awful) or throw up every time I even smell Italian food (that would be unfortunate) or any other affliction when I’m pregnant, try as I might to be grateful and positive 100% of the time…I have this sneaking suspicion I might be guilty of complaining, at least once (okay, a lot more than once). Or if my baby is up all night wailing uncontrollably (I love sleep) and I have to be at work early for a 6am meeting…well, let’s just be honest with ourselves here.
So where does that leave us?
Compassion. It’s SO easy for me to be judgmental of pregnant women or new moms who complain, to think they aren’t grateful for what they have. But in the end, neither am I. This is no different than me complaining about our tiny house and janky garage door and ugly light fixtures…and having someone who can’t afford a home listen to my rant.
So many times I get frustrated that no one quite understands the struggle of infertility unless they’ve gone through it themselves (and I still completely believe that, darn it!)…but sometimes being so laser-focused on that makes me forget that I don’t quite understand the struggle that anyone else is going through, either. People — yes, even pregnant people! — are struggling with things that I know nothing about. And while I’ve been so wrapped up in my own problems here, I haven’t even thought to try to put myself in their shoes. I’ve made myself “better” than them because I tell myself that I wouldn’t complain about “trivial” things during pregnancy. But the truth is, I probably would too. It surely wouldn’t be the first time I would complain about something that I should be grateful for.
And why would I ask pregnant women to try to understand my struggle with infertility and be compassionate towards me if I’m not willing to do the same for them?
Women with infertility have no right complaining. They have so many options. And they still complain. And everyone consoles them. Try living with chronic pain. Everyone dismisses you, especially doctors. Women with infertility need to be told to suck it up. After all that’s what women wuthreal problems get told all the time.
I can’t imagine living with chronic pain — I had excruciating back pain for just a few months before needing surgery, and it gave me so much more empathy for people who deal with chronic pain. I in no way intended to compare the two — two totally different types of pain, for sure. I hope you can find relief.