How to Support a Friend Going Through Infertility

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In the last month or so, I’ve started to tell a lot more people about my infertility (by that I mean in-person; I’ve had this blog for a while). When I tell people about my infertility, I’ve gotten a wide range of responses. It’s made me realize how much my friends really support me and care about me…and also how many people just have no idea what to say to support a friend going through infertility.

I could easily write a post about what NOT to say—and I’ve read a lot of great posts on that—and while I will include some of those things, I want to focus instead on what TO say and do. (Side note: If you’re looking for examples of what NOT to do, just read the book of Job and take note of his 3 friends who totally botched it when trying to comfort and encourage him through his suffering. Quick recap: They tried to figure out the cause of his suffering, gave him advice, and then pointed out his flaws. Yikes to all three.)

Anyway, several months ago I had a friend give me the best infertility encouragement I’ve ever received. She said three things:

*Side note: I have to imagine that some other people going through infertility would disagree with me that these are good things to say (especially #2)…so just be aware.

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1. “It took us 10 years, so I know what you’re going through.”

Of course the best part of this is that she could relate to me, but that doesn’t mean you have to have gone through infertility to be encouraging. If you can relate to me, tell me! (Friendly reminder: Infertility is trying to get pregnant for 1+ years…not a few months.)

BUT: If you can’t relate, just admit that you can’t relate or have no idea what I’m going through. I think a lot of people try to somehow relate in an attempt to make you feel better—or explain how they can imagine how you feel because they have a friend, sister, aunt, or second cousin’s wife’s hairstylist who went through the same thing. In reality, it’s nice to have people simply acknowledge that they don’t get it.

(Side note: As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I have a terrible habit of trying to relate to things that I can’t relate to. My friends: “Yeah, he’s just so colicky!” Me: “Oh yeah I have a friend/cousin/sister-in-law who also had that same issue…” Shoot. I should just be keeping my trap shut or telling you that I can’t imagine how hard that is. Sorry.)

2. “I’m not going to tell you that it will work out in the end and that you’ll have kids eventually, because you might not.”

I had no idea how badly I needed to hear this until she said it. (And again, if you’re going through infertility, it’s totally possible that you 100% disagree that this would be a good thing to say…feel free to tell me that I’m way off-base in the comments.)

It’s totally counterintuitive to say something like this. Common sense tells us that we need to be encouraging by saying things like:
“Be patient; it will happen!”
“Oh, you’ll have kids eventually—probably when you least expect it!”
“Don’t worry about it so much/try so hard…it just takes a while sometimes!”

For me, those things minimize my problem. They make me feel like I’m simply being too dramatic, like if I just got ahold of myself I would realize that I’ll get pregnant when I stop trying so hard. Like I’m just not being patient enough. Like if I would just relax I would realize the secret to getting pregnant is that it happens when you least expect it.

What I realized is how badly I wanted someone to validate my fear that I might never get pregnant.

Like I said, it’s counterintuitive, but hearing that encouraged me. Finally someone was being honest with me, and confirming the fact that not everyone who tries gets pregnant. Children are a valid thing to really, really want, but not a guarantee.

To summarize: I don’t recommend saying something like, “Well, oh well, maybe you just won’t have kids!!” or “Guess it’s God’s will that you are childless forever!” (To be clear: Yikes to those responses.) The major takeaway from point #2 is that it’s important to validate fears rather than minimize them. Hearing empty promises that appear encouraging is actually disheartening. On the other hand, acknowledging that I might never have kids would have to be done very tactfully, and unless you can relate to me, you might be better off just skipping to #3, to be honest.

(By the way, if you have said some of the things above, trust me, I know you meant well and did not intend for it to come across that way at all.)

3. “I’m praying for you.”

This is pretty much the gold standard of “what to say when you have no idea what to say”: just listening and saying that you’re praying for me. (Please actually do it, though, otherwise it’s not worth saying.) So if you panic and draw a blank on what to say, just tell me you’re praying for me. And that’s it.

Last note: What she didn’t say

It is interesting to note what this friend of mine DIDN’T say, especially given that she would be about the only person who had a right to say it.

She didn’t give me any advice—or even tell me her secret to success.

(Another side note: I’ve also realized that I’m terribly guilty of giving advice for things I have no right to give advice for. My friends: “Yeah, I can’t figure out how to get my baby to bed…” Me: “Oh my friend tried x, and then I had another friend try y…” Again, I need to just stop.)

Sometimes it is nice to hear success stories, and sometimes I probably should ask for more advice. But most of the time, when you’re trying to support a friend going through infertility? Just choose listening over giving advice.  

*PS: As someone dealing with infertility, I know I need to do a better job supporting my friends who have kids, too. Read more on that here.

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