Note: I wrote this post a couple of months ago but never had a chance to post it. I’ve since had back surgery and will post another update soon.
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Do you ever wish you were at a different place in your life than where you’re currently at?
I feel guilty saying that. I have an almost two-year-old that I longed and prayed for for so long. There are so many people (maybe even people reading this post) that would love to have just one.
But…
Now I can’t help but wish I was pregnant with my second (or third, really, if we would’ve had kids when I had hoped). I wish I was going to appointment after appointment to get ultrasounds and hear the heartbeat and check to see if I’m dilated yet. I wish I was cutting back at work or switching to part-time to raise my kids.
Instead: Not only am I not pregnant, but we can’t even try to get pregnant right now. I do have appointment after appointment, but to try to figure out what to do about the herniated disc in my back that has been causing me excruciating sciatic pain for the last 3+ months. I just had an ultrasound, but rather than to check on a baby, to check on my liver the MRI showed was enlarged (an “incidental finding”). And not only am I not going part-time anytime soon, but I just did a friend a favor and took on a coaching job that has me working 60+ hours a week. (What was I thinking?)
His “Better” Plan
This is normally the point where I’d say my life isn’t what I expected or where I want to be right now, but that it’s better because it’s God’s plan and not mine. But if I’m being truthful, it sure is hard to see how this is better. How is excruciating sciatic pain a part of God’s plan? How is it a part of His plan that I can’t even sit on a chair to read my son a bedtime story without being in terrible pain? And if you’re waiting to get pregnant for the first or second or third time…how is it a part of God’s plan to give some people babies right away but to make you wait…or to never even have one at all? You’re telling me God’s plan is better?
Last time we were trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years, we had to take a break for several months so I could have a spot of melanoma skin cancer removed on my leg. Now, we are having to take a break so that I can potentially have a back surgery — at age 33. I’m active, I eat well, I take care of my body, I’m at a healthy weight. What did I do to deserve these health problems? This “better plan” of yours, God, is to give me health problems instead of a baby?
Sometimes I think well-meaning and well-intentioned Christians tell us that to try to make us feel better, too. “God has a plan!” or “God’s plan is better!” they say. But if we’re honest, sometimes that statement evokes more of a fury rather than a sense of comfort, does it not? Easy for you to say — look at your perfect life!
Or other times, in a noble effort to trust God, we think to ourselves, “Okay, you’re right, it’s just that God’s plan is hard to understand right now, but surely it will make sense to me 5, 10 years down the road, when everything is resolved and turns out okay, right?”
But what if everything doesn’t turn out okay?
That’s the question that haunts us, isn’t it? What if God’s plan really isn’t better? What if I never get pregnant, what if the cancer is never cured, what if things never get better?
Is God’s Plan Really Better?
The reason hearing “God has a better plan” isn’t always comforting: We forget that “better” doesn’t mean “happier.” “Better” doesn’t mean “pain-free.” “Better” doesn’t mean “getting everything I ask for.”
Instead, God’s better plan is for us to grow closer to Him. His better plan is to bring others to God through us, too. And if we are believers in Christ, that should be the goal of our lives, too — to bring Him glory.
Yet somewhere along the line — or maybe in the midst of our hardship — I think we’ve forgotten that our lives are not all about us; that the goal of life is not to try to be happier with our earthly blessings. And so when we don’t get whatever we pray for, we panic and question God’s plan for our lives. Is this better?
Only if we remember what “better” means.
That’s not to minimize our struggles here on earth, though. Life can be hard. And that’s why God strengthens us. That’s why, even in the midst of the hardest times here on earth, He never leaves us. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-17, NIV)
