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There’s some sort of taboo about telling people you’re “trying.” Maybe it’s because you’re terrified people will actually realize what the concept of “trying” means; maybe it’s just because it’s none of your dang business, thank you very much; or maybe you just want to surprise people with a birth announcement no one is expecting.
Plus, what if it takes a while? Suddenly everyone is breathing down your neck, watching you like a hawk to see if you order a drink out at a restaurant, raising their eyebrows if you’re “sick” some morning.
But then it does take a while. And before you know it, you have this thing called infertility…but no one knows.
And then what? Do you tell people or not?
In some ways it’s easier to make stuff up and avoid the topic. Plus, I’ve always had these fears about talking about it:
1. I’m afraid that you might feel bad for me.
(Please don’t pity me...yes, this is something I long for, and dealing with infertility does suck, but I don’t want people feeling sorry for me.)
2. I’m afraid that you’ll be scared to tell me when you’re pregnant.
(Please just be normal…even if I sometimes do a bad job of it, I want to be excited with you.)
3. I’m afraid that you’ll tiptoe around me and wait to talk about your kids and my infertility with all of our friends as soon as I leave the party.
(Please don’t stop talking about your kids on account of me…and please don’t gossip about my infertility.)
4. I’m afraid that you’ll assume I’m doing something wrong, or that I’m too stressed about it (like I probably would have done).
(Trust me, infertility is a medical diagnosis, not something I’m making up in my head that can be cured with a vacation.)
5. I’m afraid that you’ll become hypersensitive around me and overthink everything you say, making things weird and awkward.
(Please don’t start a sentence with, “When we have another kid…” glance at me guiltily and hastily switch it to, “Well, if we are able to have another kid I mean…”)
6. I’m afraid that you’ll respond with something wildly inappropriate, like, “Trying is the fun part! *wink wink*”
(Please be mindful of how you respond…I know you’re trying to help, be funny, give advice, and encourage me — and I’m trying not to fault you for that — but be aware that I may just want someone to listen.)
So maybe it’s just that I’ve been going through infertility long enough that I’m fine now with talking about it. But I think it’s something else, too. I’ve come to some realizations about these “fears” of mine:
1. If you pity me…
maybe that is an opportunity for me to explain that children are not the key to my contentment.
2. If your pregnancy announcement feels awkward...
maybe that’s a perfect chance for me to learn what it truly means to rejoice with others who are rejoicing (Romans 12:15).
3. If you’re not going to talk about your kids around me anymore and then gossip about my infertility…
chances are you’re just trying to include me in conversations that I can relate to…and want to figure out how to best support me.
4. If you assume I’m doing something wrong…
maybe that’s an opportunity for me to educate you on all of the medical reasons for infertility.
5. If you become hypersensitive around me and overthink everything you say…
maybe it will be a good reminder for everyone that we shouldn’t take things for granted.
6. If you respond with something totally off-base or try to give me advice…
maybe that is a challenge for me to not be so hard on you. (Or maybe you actually have sound advice for me, and I need to learn to seek wisdom from others.)
All of this being said, if you choose not to talk about your infertility, I respect that. Admittedly I still don’t like to bring it up with people unless they ask. And I definitely don’t talk about it with everyone. In the end, infertility is a personal issue.
But: I’ve also realized that talking about infertility can give you some unique opportunities. Sharing your story can give you opportunities to share your faith, challenge yourself to be a better friend, and force you to re-think your judgments of others.
It’s worth considering.
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