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Over the last several months, I’ve done probably too much research about how to conceive. I’ve tried — dare I say ridiculous — things to try to get pregnant. (Eating pineapple core, anyone?) I’ve seen doctors, I’ve taken medications, I’ve researched supplements, I’ve tried yoga, I’ve changed my diet, I’ve read books, I’ve “bought in” to meditation + visualization.
Sometimes I think we all I just need a gentle reminder of who’s really in control here.
Before I go on, let me pause here + just rant for a second, because that goes for fertile myrtles too. As a teacher, my fellow teachers like to plan when they get pregnant, so it’s towards the end of the school year. (Truth be told, I don’t blame them. I’d do the same if only I could!)
The other day I had someone tell me, “Yeah, I think we’ll probably have another one sometime in May, so I don’t have to use so many sick days…so that means we’ll get pregnant in, like, August.”
IT’S NOT UP TO YOU! I wanted to scream. But of course I didn’t. I just nodded and agreed that of course, that seemed like a good idea. (Because let’s be real — it does!!)
Or worse, sometimes those people will catch themselves. Some Very few people know that we’ve been TTC for a long time, but when those people make a comment about when they plan to have their next kid, they’ll glance at me and hastily add, “Well, I know we can’t always plan it of course!” Right.
Anyway. I’ll stop looking at the speck in others’ eyes and return to the plank in my own now (Matthew 7:3). (This isn’t about the fertile myrtles, even though sometimes I like to unfairly take it out on them. Isn’t it so much easier to notice what everyone else is doing wrong?!)
The truth is, I’m really no different than those fertile myrtles who think they know exactly how to get pregnant on the first try. On some level, I, too, believe that I have control over whether or not I get pregnant. It’s why I struggle with infertility guilt; I think I’m in control, so when it doesn’t happen, it must be my fault.
I think a lot of women going through infertility have this thought. It’s why my blog posts of “how to boost your odds of successful implantation” and “surprising ways to increase your fertility naturally” have much higher page views than my “infertility Bible study series” or “devotions for waiting” posts. Consciously or not, we believe we’re in control, and we’re desperate to find out how we can fix what we’re doing wrong. We don’t need to be encouraged; we need a solution. We need control over our situation.
So what happens after you’ve done it all—tried all the diets, all the medications, all the treatments, all the old wives’ tales, all the tips and tricks, all the random remedies that have no research base that one or two bloggers swear got them pregnant—and you’re still not pregnant? What happens then?
You realize what you should’ve realized a long time ago: you never really had control over your life, anyway.
But even that realization comes with questions. What does that even mean? Does that mean you stop trying all of these things to get pregnant? Does that mean you give up?
No, I don’t think so. You don’t stop treatments for cancer because you want to acknowledge that “you’re not in control.” You don’t stop going to interviews because you figure getting a job is “all up to God anyway.”
But you don’t stop praying for those things, either.
I think that’s the key to all of this. Prayer, staying connected to God, reminds us of who is in control here. We can try every little thing to get pregnant, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But the minute we start to think that WE have all of the power…that’s when we start to think that everything that happens to us — good or bad — is a result of our own doing. And with that comes either pride or guilt.
It starts with how we pray. Of course we can pray for what we want, but we need to remember how God taught us to pray, too: “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”
That’s why, while we still pray for babies, we pray to trust God’s will too. We’re not in control, and our lives are not our own.
“Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.”
Jeremiah 10:23, NIV
For more thoughts on how to pray + infertility, see my post on Why I’m NOT Trusting God’s Timing Anymore.
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Do you have a rosary you follow to pray for fertility?
I don’t – sorry!
As I lay in my bed googling about my situation and faith, I really thought I had a good grip on how I view my situation/ infertility story. I thought well I’m not pregnant, I guess it’s just not his will. I stopped praying & I became open to other avenues.(which was already a fight) But there’s still a little ember of hope & I don’t want to pray for something If it’s not his will & now reading this article I’ve been completely shattered. I want to believe but I also wanna be realistic!! But I know I have to continue to seek the Lord which is a journey within it self!!! thank you soooooo much for this article, it not only opened my eyes but I actually felt seen. Wow ! I really love the Lord & I’m honestly okay if I don’t have children. All I know is these past seasons of hoping have been the worst seasons of my life! And I’ll rather just pause the pain I feel like I’m causing myself for believing! Ugh it’s a lot but these blogs are Holy Spirit led and I appreciate it! This changed my life!