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There are a lot of blog posts out there about how to be supportive when your friend is struggling with infertility. I love those posts– I think a lot of people really don’t know what to say or how to act. So those posts are so needed! (And I wrote one of my own — the best thing anyone ever said to me about my infertility.) But you know what else is also needed (yet one I’ve never read)? A post like this one to remind you how to be a good friend to your fertile friend, too.
Here are 3 challenges for you to become a better friend (really, for myself, because these are things I know I need to be challenged to do) as you go through infertility (I know, I know, as if infertility wasn’t challenging enough. I know you don’t need any more challenges. So just to give you a fair warning, you may not like this post):
1. Assume the best intentions of others.
(Stop being so hard on people.)
Fertile people say the darnedest things, don’t they? Some things are just plain rude (“Guess you should’ve started trying sooner, huh?”), some naive (“Trying is the fun part!” *wink wink*), some self-righteous (“Just trust God! It’ll happen when you least expect it!”), and some just plain wrong (“Try adopting…everyone who adopts gets pregnant!”). Don’t even get me started.
A friend will tell me how having kids later in life is hard because you don’t have as much energy (Me: Umm, yeah, no kidding…are you saying I’m getting too old and better get moving on this? You’re telling me!), but then, in the same breath, she will tell me how she’s praying for me. And guess which comment I choose to focus on?
Another friend will tell me that I’m still so young — that people are having kids well into their 40s these days (Me: I don’t WANT to have kids in my 40s when all my friends’ kids are getting ready to go off to college…not to mention, how will I manage that if I’m not fertile in my 20s?), but then, in the same breath, she will tell me how I will be such a great mom no matter if I have children naturally, through other assisted reproductive techniques, or adoption. And again, guess which comment I choose to focus on?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this…
People who can’t relate to a difficult situation you’re going through really have no idea what to say. And so they fumble around, sometimes saying inappropriate, hurtful things in their attempts to solve your problem, and sometimes saying nothing at all.
Just like I have no clue what to say if I have a friend who is grieving a loss. Sometimes I don’t say much because I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, and sometimes when I open my mouth I know that I’ve messed up.
In the end, friends are trying their best to be helpful and encouraging. Assume good intentions. Don’t be so hard on them. (And, if necessary, send them one of those blog post links that instructs them how to be supportive as a subtle recommendation. :))
2. Be sympathetic (especially since you wish they would be more sympathetic towards you).
(Stop assuming you’re the only one who is going through a hard time.)
Not too long ago I read a book called Plus or Minus, by Matt and Cheri Appling. There was a chapter in this infertility book that offended me a little bit at first: an entire chapter dedicated to how hard it is to raise children in the society we live in now, where children have become a status symbol. Really, you’re going to tell me how hard my fertile friends have it?
And then I started to notice that it’s true. I’ve had my share of friends who have had tough pregnancies and colicky babies. I can already see my friends comparing notes on whether or not their toddler is talking as much as someone else’s…or boasting about how smart they are…or worried about how smart they’re not.
Having and raising children in our culture of comparison can’t be easy. My friends’ complaints and struggles are surely valid, and it would be completely wrong of me to think they have it so easy because they got pregnant easily.
3. Don’t be judgmental.
It can be easy to look at other people’s parenting decisions and think, “I would never do that!” And sometimes when I spend time with friends and their kids, I listen as they jump to defend their parenting decisions and their kids– even when it’s something I never thought twice about. (I never usually let her eat this much junk food! I promise, he never acts this way at home!) Their comments tell me that parenting is hard, and they’re afraid that I’m judging them for how they parent.
Sometimes from the outside looking in, it’s easy to see how I could be the perfect parent and make all the right decisions when it comes to parenting so that my children would all be angels. (Yeah, right.)
Maybe you don’t think you would make some of the parenting decisions your friends are making. But maybe they don’t think they would make some of the decisions you’ve made when dealing with infertility, either.
Bottom line: No parent is perfect, and you won’t be, either.
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