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We decided we wouldn’t tell anyone we were pregnant again until after our first ultrasound. Although hormone levels seemed to be right on target and we were super optimistic, my husband didn’t want to tell anyone besides our parents yet. Personally, I would’ve told everyone I was pregnant early on, despite history of infertility and miscarriage. But I decided I’d respect his wishes…unless, we agreed, it just happened to “come up.”
So when a close friend confided in me that she was pregnant just a couple days later, I figured that constituted as it “coming up” and I couldn’t help but blurt out, “Me too!” We figured our due dates would be just a week or two apart! For the next several days, although I was still cautiously excited, we talked nonstop about pregnancy symptoms, appointments, names, and what we’d do for maternity leave. I was so excited — not only to be pregnant, but to have a close friend pregnant right alongside me too.
A week later, she lost her baby.
But I still have mine.
Being the pregnant one
And suddenly, without warning, I had become the “other” person.
I was the pregnant one: The one she would look at and think, “That should be where I’m at too.” I would be the one having a baby shower, planning for appointments, and debating over whether to find out the baby’s gender. I would be the one who would be a constant reminder of what she lost.
And I know exactly what that’s like.
This horrible pit in my stomach and feeling this terrible grief is something I never considered I’d experience being pregnant.
Whenever I tell people this story, they wave it away as if it’s no big deal. “Oh, that happens all the time,” they say. “Oh, she’ll get over it.” “Oh, she’s happy for you.”
It’s not that I doubt that any of those things are true. It’s just that I know how it feels to have to just “get over it.” I know how it feels to have to be happy for someone else in the midst of the grief. And it’s a terrible feeling.
Infertility grief
I always thought that once I’d become pregnant I’d be able to forget all about infertility and miscarriage. I’d always wondered why bloggers who had gotten pregnant sometimes continued to blog about infertility. Don’t they want to forget about that chapter of their life? Don’t they want to move on? I always thought that if I got pregnant, infertility would be a “chapter” of my life I could close and forget about.
I’ve come to realize that’s simply not true.
I made the mistake of thinking that if my own infertility and miscarriage were over, the grief of it all would disappear. But it doesn’t. Even if I’m not currently going through infertility or miscarriage, that doesn’t mean it’s gone. People — friends, even — will continue to go through it. And when I hear about it, I will feel it alongside them every time.
Some people talk about a feeling of guilt when you become pregnant after being a part of the infertility “community.” But I wouldn’t exactly call this guilt.
It’s not that I feel guilty for being pregnant when others still aren’t; it’s that I still feel grief for others who aren’t.
Mourning with those who mourn
There’s a Bible verse I love that goes like this: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15)
To be brutally honest, hearing pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement as I went through infertility, I’m not sure if I ever truly mastered the “rejoice with those who rejoice” thing. I often struggled with feelings of bitterness, jealousy, and despair. It was a far cry from “rejoicing with those who are rejoicing,” that’s for sure.
But oddly enough, in the midst of this pregnancy, I have found that — in the midst of my own rejoicing — I am also mourning with those who mourn.
While going through infertility, I had always assumed God was trying to teach me how to rejoice with those who rejoice.
But maybe I was wrong. Maybe what He was really teaching me was how to mourn with those who mourn.
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