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Where are you at in your struggle with infertility? From the initial optimism to eventual despair, when does this all end? Here are my 10 stages of infertility grief (according to me…feel free to add in your own stages :)):
1. Optimism (“It takes most couples a few months, after all.”)
When you first start trying to get pregnant, you are like every other couple. There’s no reason to think anything could be wrong. I mean, why would there be? You live a healthy lifestyle, your husband lives a healthy lifestyle…heck, you probably live healthier lifestyles than your friends who already popped out a few kids! You’ve even been going organic the last few months! The other day you even sprung for free range eggs when they were on sale! It’s surely only a matter of time!
2. Slight Concern (“Okay, maybe we just need to time things a little better.”)
Of course you are not going to panic yet. You’re not going to be one of those couples. You know, the ones who are probably WAY too stressed out about it to get pregnant. This is really no big deal; you’ll just buy an ovulation predictor kit off Amazon (as desperate as that seems) and be on your way. Probably just a matter of poor timing, really.
3. Denial (“Honey, do you think we could possibly be dealing with in…infe…ahem, sorry, never mind, something in my throat.”)
This is getting a little bit ridiculous now. It’s been more than a few months…but again, it just takes some couples a little longer. Maybe just a little research…there’s gotta be something else…
4. The Great Awakening – aka I Still Have Control Over This (“Aha! Environmental toxins!”)*
A few months go by and you realize it’s time to get serious about your lifestyle. Suddenly you come across a blog– omgosh, can you believe all of these environmental toxins you’re exposed to on a daily basis? In your mattress, no less? And they can cause infertility? Of course! Time to rid the house of them. Time to switch to full-blown organic. All-natural everything, here you come.
(And then you remember the time you went up north to the cottage and the shower broke and you had layers of mosquito spray (My husband: “40% DEET? Where’s the 100%?” Me: “That would kill you on contact.”), sunscreen, mosquito spray, and more sunscreen…for a week straight without showering. That may have just made you infertile….forever. Cue the chubby redheaded kid from The Sandlot: For-ev-verrrrrrrr. For-ev-verrrrrrrr. For-ev-verrrrrrrr.).
*Of course the scapegoat is not the environmental toxins for everyone…but if not that, then diet, exercise, not enough supplements, not putting your legs up after, something. This is the stage where I went crazy researching TTC Tips: Fact or Fiction?
5. The Second Awakening (“Nuts. It’s not the toxins.”)
At some point there’s a second awakening. You’ve eaten all the pineapple, tried standing on your head, and started a yoga practice. You’ve eliminated every environmental toxin known to mankind. You’re still not pregnant.
Side note: This is the stage that almost made me delete TTC Tips: Fact or Fiction? Ha, I thought I could get pregnant with some at-home remedies! What an idiot. Then again, who am I to say someone won’t get pregnant from drinking Fertilitea? Plus I gotta get pageviews somehow, and the research says it should work. Should. Just not for me.
6. Sheer panic – aka I Have No Control Over This (“It’s time to call the fertility center.”)
Panic mode. It’s been over a year and a half. Has it really been over a year and a half? It’s time to call a fertility center. I have to go to a fertility center? What is happening? How did I suddenly lose control of my life?
7. Annoyance + frustration + judgement + anger + bitterness…pick a negative emotion, any negative emotion (“Really God, this teenager just got pregnant from a one-night stand? And here I am guzzling Robitussin every night?”)
This is the most difficult stage to get past, unfortunately, and you’re likely to fast forward to it and return to it when you’re at all of the other stages (perhaps choosing a different emotion every time). This is the stage where it’s everyone else’s fault you’re not pregnant. You blame God, your husband, your body, your sins of the past, your genes, and, of course, your friends.
Really, your friends have the nerve to talk about their babies around you when you don’t have one? That’s annoying.
Seriously, your friends won’t talk about their babies around you anymore because you don’t have one? That’s annoying.
I could go on, but you get the idea. Let’s be real, you’ve set everyone else up for failure with how they react to the announcement that you’re still not pregnant.
8. Horror + guilt (“Have I always been this terrible of a person?”)
You take a step back and really realize what #7 means. And you’re horrified.
How have I been so hard on my friends? On myself? When did I get so envious? Prideful? Have I always been this way? Have I really never trusted God with my life?
9. Confusion (“God, what are you asking me to do now?”)
Okay, God, I get it, I’m not actually in control. But…maybe a little direction would be nice? I could keep waiting…or go back to the same doctor again…or get a second opinion…or try another medication…or start IUI…or do IVF…a little help here would be nice?! Am I supposed to just wait or do something?
10. Acceptance + (trying to) trust (“I was never in control.”)
This essentially happens simultaneously with #9. In the midst of your confusion, you realize that you weren’t ever in control of your life. And you would “give up control to God” if you could, but turns out you can’t give back something you never had.
To be clear, the acceptance stage doesn’t mean you’ve accepted you’ll never have kids. Acceptance means you’ve realized your Plan A — getting pregnant the moment you tried and having 2 kids (a boy and a girl exactly two years apart, obviously) — isn’t the same as God’s Plan A. And you stop asking God to help you trust His timing and instead ask Him to help you trust His plan. You still might not like His plan, but you’re trying to trust Him. It’s a work in progress. But you’re praying.
Side note: You can’t fast forward to this stage, as trying to convince yourself prematurely that you “trust God” isn’t going to work (we all know you’d just be trying to be one of those people who gets pregnant when she “stops trying”). You’ve got to fight through the other stages first, and even then, you return to 1-9 again and again.
So…when exactly do you overcome infertility?
You don’t overcome infertility when you finally get pregnant, or when you give birth, or when you have a successful adoption. People who have done all of those things will tell you that — they’ll tell you that they still have a hard time holding a baby, sometimes. They’ll tell you it’s still not easy.
But it’s when you start returning to #10 again and again, almost like a default, without really even thinking about it (despite reverting back to 1-9 at times — you’re not perfect), that you realize you have changed. And you realize you may be starting to overcome infertility.
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