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Although this has happened once before, it feels weird to say that I’m pregnant. I almost feel the need to apologize: announcing a pregnancy like this on a blog where I’ve largely focused on infertility, where the majority of my audience is infertile, not pregnant. And even worse: Here I am, insensitively about to talk about the uncertainty and “scariness” of pregnancy after miscarriage.
That said, skip this post and read no further if reading about yet another pregnancy annoys you; I wouldn’t blame you.
The Uncertainty of Pregnancy After Miscarriage
Pregnancy after miscarriage just feels different.
I wish so badly I could say that I experienced the same sense of euphoria that I did the first time when I got a positive pregnancy test. After almost 3 years of TTC, how could I not be overjoyed, jumping-up-and-down running-around-the-house excited about being pregnant?
It feels just incredibly unfair to say that it wasn’t the case. For so long I longed to know that my body could get pregnant on its own. Truthfully, though, I’m not sure any positive pregnancy test will ever evoke the same sense of shock, disbelief, and elation that it did the first time I saw two lines.
Don’t get me wrong: We’re excited. Extremely excited, even. But cautiously, this time around. Saying things like, “If everything goes well…,” and “If this all works out…” and “If everything goes according to plan…”
Miscarriage has shattered our innocence.
Despite my adamant belief that pregnancy begins at conception, after miscarriage, it almost feels like a positive pregnancy test means nothing.
Given that I’m spotting again, given that the doctor tells me she needs to monitor my HCG levels again, do an early ultrasound again, is listing the symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy again…and even though I’m trying to focus on ways this pregnancy seems different already, it feels eerily similar to the pregnancy that ended suddenly just months ago.
So how can you “have faith” during the uncertainty of a pregnancy after miscarriage?
Faith in…
After miscarriage, I think a lot of people try to have faith in a new pregnancy and in their bodies; faith that this time it will all work out.
We look at statistics, knowing that it is rare to have multiple miscarriages in a row.
And we remember stories of friends who have had a miscarriage, only to go on to have multiple healthy pregnancies after.
We think about ways to “stay positive,” “think positively,” and combat negative thinking.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m all about staying positive. Stories of positivity and healing fascinate me.
But I’m also a realist.
What is Faith?
Sometimes I think we focus a bit too much on positivity, truth be told. And something tells me we’ve come to value positivity so much that we’ve mistakenly begun to equate positivity with faith. We think optimism = faith, and we admire and stand in awe of people who act like nothing will ever go wrong; those people who never fear a thing. Those people who, in the midst of the uncertainty of pregnancy after miscarriage, “have faith” that it will all work out.
And it is true that God can give us a peace that surpasses understanding; that we can feel at peace despite scary circumstances.
But peace and positivity are not the same thing, either.
One of the most profound and powerful lessons I have learned from going through infertility and miscarriage is not that everything will eventually go the way I want if I just keep waiting and praying; it’s that even if it doesn’t, God is still good. (See Daniel 3)
Put another way, faith does not mean we trust that God will work everything out how we want. Rather, faith is acknowledging that things might not go the way we want, and trusting that God is good in spite of it.
Faith in…
After all, as Christians, we do not have faith in a new pregnancy, in statistics, in our bodies, in the stories we’ve heard. We have faith in Jesus.
In the middle of pregnancy after miscarriage, this doesn’t mean we let ourselves dwell on all of the bad things that could happen. It’s not wrong to still strive to be positive and think positively.
But the reality is that there will be times when negative thoughts will creep in your mind. Doubts may form and threaten to steal your joy. You remember what happened last time, and fear that it may indeed happen again.
But when that happens, what brings true comfort is not the statistics about how rare it would be to have multiple miscarriages. It’s not the success stories.
What brings comfort in the midst of uncertainty of pregnancy after miscarriage is remembering that God is still good, no matter what happens. And that’s the same thing that brings comfort in infertility, miscarriage, and the uncertainty of any other difficult circumstance in life, too.
**This story in Daniel 3 has become one of my favorites — so much so that I created some wall art to remind me that “even if not, God is still good.” Check it out here!
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This is what I needed to read right now. I’m struggling so much at the moment. I wrote a post not long ago about “God Cares About Your Miscarriage” and yet, here I am a few months later, angry with God because life has not gone how I wanted it to. I so appreciate the fact that you distinguish and value the difference between being positive and having faith. Although I am struggling right now, I am trying so hard to trust God. But “being positive” is simply not something I can manage at the moment. It was refreshing to be validated that we don’t always have to be positive or think things are going to work out in order to have faith that God is good. We can demonstrate faith even when we are struggling to see the good by choosing to trust Him regardless.
This! This. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 5 years. In 2021, I was finally pregnant. We were over joyed. I ended up having a miscarriage at 9 weeks. My faith in God was completely lost. The only thing that I stayed focused on was if God is so good then why did he take away something that was promised? I walked away from everything I knew about Him. Just a week ago (2-28-22) we learned that I am pregnant again. This go round it’s so much different. The symptoms everything. Looking back I’ve realized that I put my faith in the promise instead of the promise maker /keeper. He did answer a promise. I got pregnant. Now I know, we serve a mighty mighty God that loves us without any bounds. All I can do is thank Him because even in the middle of our heartbreaks and trials, He is still there holding on to us. Looking back I didn’t realize, he was preparing me for something better than I could ever imagine. So, thank you for this post.
Love this — “faith in the promise instead of the promise maker/keeper.” Exactly!!
your story or article is amazing and full of motivation, after reading this article I thought it is our faith that allows us to do what we like. nice article and after miscarriage sometimes it is difficult to accept that it will be easy to achieve pregnancy but is is easy to achieve pregnancy.