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*Unless I’ve said one of these things to you personally. Of course then I actually meant it. Obviously.
Let’s just say I haven’t always been honest during my struggle with infertility…maybe you can relate to these 5 lies I’ve told while struggling with infertility, too:
1. “We’re not ready for kids yet. Yeah, there’s still a lot we want to do…you know, the thing with my um…career…”
Yes, I’m sometimes guilty of saying we don’t want kids yet (or at least I used to say that). Or the whole “not preventing not trying” thing…when in reality I was doing ovulation predictor strips and taking my temperature every morning. The truth is, I wanted a big surprise pregnancy announcement no one was expecting. (How fun would that have been?)
Not to mention, how do you respond when a friend announces to you that they’re pregnant and is gushing with excitement…and then follows up by asking you when you’re planning to have kids? (I just can’t bear to be the debbie downer…I mean, what am I supposed to do after that, tearfully explain that we’ve already been trying for years? There’s a mood killer.) Or how about when your high school students ask why you don’t have kids yet (did I mention in front of the entire class)?
Even now, though I rarely say this anymore, sometimes it’s still easier to pretend, to say you’re not ready, to not have to deal with the awkward questions that follow when you admit you’ve been trying for way too long. (Sorry, coworkers, I’m not ready to announce to you all that I’m dealing with infertility when you ask…when is it the right time to do that, anyway?)
2. “Of course I don’t mind if you last-minute bring your child(ren) to this adults-only event we planned 2 years ago!”
What’s that, your babysitter just cancelled last minute? You mixed up the dates on the calendar? You totally forgot we had this double dinner date planned two months ago?
Me, on the phone: No, that’s totally fine! Yes, bring your kids! Different place? No, no, no, I did not have dreams of medium rare steaks from Ruth’s Chris dancing around in my head last night! What’s that? A cheaper, more kid-friendly place? Good idea. Chuck E. Cheese’s — did I hear that right? Yeah, that’s great! No, really, it’s perfect!*
I get it (actually, no, because I don’t have kids, but that’s beside the point). But I get that things do come up, and I really do love your kids. (Really — that’s the truth — I love seeing your kids and spending time with them!) But if we’ve planned something without kids…I may have been looking forward to that. So maybe just want to reschedule the dinner date instead?
(I say this at the risk of my friends reading this post and then second-guessing ever bringing their kids to any event I’ve planned. Like I said, I really do love seeing and spending time with your kids…as a matter of fact, I may be disappointed if you don’t bring your kids to something if I was planning on seeing them! So just note the context here…once in a while I like to do things adults-only, too…I think it’s fair to say that if your kids are present you may be slightly distracted.)
*This is a totally hypothetical scenario. Seriously this time.
3. “Good for her!”
This phrase is a personal favorite. Actually, it probably goes better on a list of “good go-to responses to the well-meaning infertility advice-givers”…because to be honest, I’m not really even sure what it means. So maybe I do mean it?
Friend: Maybe try a vacation? My friend’s ex-husband’s aunt got pregnant on vacation after trying for 10 years!
You: Oh really? Good for her!
Friend: Have you tried eating 3 1/2 organic seaweed crisps from Trader Joe’s for the five days following ovulation? My brother’s wife’s second cousin’s massage therapist swears by it!
You: What a totally practical and obvious idea! Why didn’t I think of that? Good for her!
Friend: What about adopting? Everyone who adopts gets pregnant right away after!
You: Good for them. (I won’t even go into the other billion things that are wrong with that idea. That would take a whole ‘nother post.)
One thing is for sure: Whatever “good for her” means, whether you “mean it” or not, it’s a great response for the well-intentioned advice-givers (they really are well-intentioned, I know, and I’m working on not being so hard on them!).
4. “It’s no big deal.”
It isn’t so much that I’ve said this, really. It’s more that I know this is the vibe I give off, even when things are a big deal.
No, I’m still not pregnant…yeah, it’s alright.
The truth is that month after month of disappointment does become a big deal sometimes. Or being so excited to try a new remedy or a new supplement that you are convinced is going to work — only to have it fail — does feel like a big deal.
And so I’ve stopped saying, “It’s alright,” or, “It’s no big deal,” and instead opt for, “Yeah, it sucks.”
5. “I’m happy for you, just sad for me.”
This phrase (or something like it) is everywhere on every infertility blog or forum or website ever. And while I can relate to it (sort of), I also feel like it doesn’t quite do justice to how I’m really feeling when everyone around me is pregnant. There’s just more to it.
The truth is, there are some days when I hear a pregnancy announcement or go to a baby shower that I’m just “happy for you.” And I actually surprise even myself that I feel zero jealousy or sadness. I really am just happy for you, trusting that God has a different plan for me. Those are the days that I feel so thankful at how far God has brought me in overcoming any negative emotions.
But sometimes, if I’m being brutally honest, hearing that someone is pregnant again (and by accident!) still triggers for me more of an initial feeling of jealousy, frustration, or anger at God. (Why don’t I deserve a baby, too, God?) And so my feeble attempt of a “happy for you” (even if I add that I’m sad for myself) seems to fall flat, unfairly overshadowed by these other feelings until I get over them. Either way, the phrase just doesn’t cut it.
