When Your Life Isn’t Going How You Planned

[Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical practitioner. Any medical information is strictly my opinion based on research and personal experience, and not to be taken as advice. Always seek the advice of a licensed physician for your medical needs. Read my full disclaimer here.]

[Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links. You can read my full disclosure here.]

With every passing day, I can’t help but think about how farther and father apart my son and his potential sibling will be — that is, if he has one. With every cycle that goes by not pregnant, I can’t help but think about how they’ll have less in common as they grow up, being farther apart in age. That even if I get pregnant this month, by the time another kid would even be walking, my son would be in school.

I know, I know, there are pros and cons to siblings closer together versus father apart. (Not to mention, why did I ever think I’d be in a position to try to plan an age gap between kids when it’s so hard for me to get pregnant in the first place? Did I really assume I’d be able to get pregnant again right away to have a super close age gap?) And I know, I know, three years apart (if I got pregnant literally now) is not even that much. That a lot of people plan to have kids that far apart — or even farther. I get it.

But then, I realize, that unless I get pregnant in the next month, any future pregnancy would be deemed geriatric. That I’d have to have more testing done, more ultrasounds. That I’d be at a higher risk — than I already am, apparently — for miscarriage, complications, medical problems, a C-section. Would trying to have a third child at that point even be possible? (And why am I even thinking about a third when we can’t even get pregnant with a second?) I’m running out of time.

I know, I know, people are having kids later in life these days. It’s no big deal to have kids when you’re older; there might even be some pros to it. These statistics of being at a higher risk of certain things are just that: Statistics. I get it.

But as I watch my son wheel his fire truck around the kitchen and tell our sleeping cat to “watch this!” as he jumps off the bed, I think about how he doesn’t have anyone to play with. That maybe he’ll be an only child. I’m struck with jealousy and sadness thinking about how his cousins all have siblings of their own, close in age to each other too.

I know, I know, just a few short years ago I wished for just one. I know, I need to be thankful that he at least has cousins to play with. Plenty of people only ever have one child by choice; he would be okay. I know, we could consider adoption too. There are things to be thankful for and other options. I get it.

But I guess, when I take a step back and think about it, what it all comes down to is this: This isn’t the way I planned my life. This isn’t the family I planned. This isn’t how I thought this would go.

• Save

Job

When I think about people in the Bible whose lives didn’t go the way they expected, a lot of people come to mind. Almost everyone, it seems like.

Jonah was called to go to Nineveh. Noah was called to build a boat. Moses was called to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Surely that wasn’t the life they had planned for themselves.

But when I think of those people, I think of them as being called to do something for God. Something they didn’t expect, maybe, and oftentimes something they didn’t want to do, but a radical life-changing calling to serve Him.

Whereas I can’t help but feel like God is just withholding something from me. Just giving me this trial to suffer through for seemingly no reason.

I feel a little more like Job.

Blameless and upright

The Bible calls Job “blameless and upright” (Job 1:1). He seems like he was living the dream — just a regular guy, raising livestock and farming, sacrificing offerings for his children when they would have big parties in case they sinned.

But suddenly, he lost it all. Even his children. Everything — gone.

Now don’t get me wrong: I don’t claim to be “blameless and upright.” Nor do I claim to have it all, like it seemed Job did.

But I do try to follow Christ as best I can (not always successfully). I try to make a living to help support my family. I repent of my sins. And like Job, God has given me so many blessings…as well as trials that I just can’t quite make sense of.

Where I relate to Job is this: “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” (Job 2:10)

If I’m being honest, there are a lot of ways my life hasn’t gone the way I expected. Truthfully, in my early 20s, I didn’t think I’d get married (not in a woe is me sort of way, but in a matter-of-fact-I-don’t-think-it’s-in-the-cards sort of way). So I surely wasn’t thinking about kids at that point either. And I didn’t think I’d have this house, in the community I live and teach in, surrounded by friends and family.

Shall I accept good from God, and not trouble?

What would be easy to miss in the story of Job is the recognition of his calling. When we think of people being called in the Bible, we think of Jesus’ disciples. Moses. Noah. Esther.

People that can sometimes be hard to relate to, because we don’t always feel like we’re being called to do something radical. Instead we’re trying to live everyday, regular lives, trying to follow Christ right where we’re at, all the while wondering why God is allowing us to suffer.

But we forget that Job was called, too. He was called not to build a boat, or to lead people out of Egypt.

He was a regular guy, living a regular life, called to remain committed to God in the midst of his trials. He was called to be an example of a faithful follower of Christ to his spouse and his friends. In the midst of horrible suffering, he was called to praise God.

Are we not called to do the same thing?

No one’s life has turned out exactly the way they expected it to. And yet we are called to live a life in service to the Lord too, not in spite of the life he orchestrated for us, but rather with thanksgiving for this life he planned for us. We are called to remain faithful to the Lord in the midst of our everyday, sometimes seemingly mundane lives, whether we are receiving good from the Lord or trouble.

• Save

So this is not a reminder that a bigger age gap has pros too (though it does). It’s not a reminder to be thankful for what you do have (though you should be).

Instead, it’s a reminder that you are called to serve the Lord where you are, no matter how different your life is from what you imagined. Are you being called to be an example of faith to the ultrasound tech who tells you your baby no longer has a heartbeat? Are you being called to tell your story to others who are also going through the same infertility struggles?

And this is a reminder, too, that we shall praise the Lord no matter our current circumstances.

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?

Looking for more encouragement during your difficult season of waiting? Join the Contentment + Chaos community to get my FREE Two Weeks of Waiting Devotional!