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I can’t be the only pregnant woman who checks every time I go to the bathroom to see if I’m bleeding. I can’t be the only one reading the research studies and sometimes just personal stories online, calculating and recalculating my odds of miscarriage. And I know I’m not the only one who has gotten a less-than-favorable early ultrasound, worried about miscarriage and waiting for the next ultrasound in two weeks.
I’m supposed to be 9 weeks pregnant today — almost out of the “danger zone,” supposedly. At my ultrasound a week and a half ago, I was supposed to be 7 weeks, 3 days. The baby measured 6 weeks, 3 days.
This might not seem like a big deal. In fact, when I tell people this is what happened, they mostly roll their eyes and make me feel like I’m being ridiculous for thinking this is a valid concern. How can they even measure the baby this early? There’s no way that can be that accurate! I can’t believe they even do ultrasounds this early!
Or they become convinced that I’m the one who has the dates wrong. Oh, but they go off the date of your last period. You probably just ovulated later! (Nope, when you go through infertility, you know exactly when you ovulate.) Maybe the baby just implanted later? (Nope, I got a very early positive pregnancy test.) This baby should definitely be 7 weeks, 3 days.
Worried about Miscarriage + Waiting for the Next Ultrasound
Despite my annoyance at people trying to convince me there is no concern, I hope they’re right. I hope this turns out to be nothing. In fact, I’ve read lots of stories and forums and posts about people who have had my exact experience, only to have the baby measure exactly on track in another couple weeks. Maybe the ultrasound tech wasn’t very good. Or maybe the baby was in a weird position. Maybe they caught the baby just before a big growth spurt. I know that it’s possible.
But I’ve read lots of stories without happy endings, too. And the research studies I’ve read show that such a discrepancy does put me at an increased risk for miscarriage. (Like this study and this one.)
And unfortunately, my prior experience with things being a little off — then looking okay, then being stuck in limbo — didn’t end well.
So if your first ultrasound was questionable, if your HCG levels aren’t increasing at the rate they should be, if something just seems a little off — if you’re stuck worried about miscarriage and waiting for the next appointment when the ultrasound tech will either print off pictures of your healthy baby for you to post on Instagram or tell you your baby no longer has a heartbeat and you have to figure out whether to opt for the D+C or the meds or wait again — if that’s you, this post is for you.
“Stay Positive!”
I’ve realized that when you’re in limbo, facing something potentially heartbreaking that is out of your control, the default response from others is overwhelmingly the same: “Stay positive.” I heard that throughout infertility — faced with the real possibility of never having kids. I heard it again in the midst of miscarriage — the back and forth of not knowing if the baby would make it. Then even at the beginning of what ended up being a healthy pregnancy with my son. And I’m hearing it again now, too.
Over and over again: Stay positive.
People mean well, I know. Not to mention, I’m not even sure what I’d want them to say. (And it could be worse, like the phone nurse doing my initial prenatal “interview” over the phone to record my health history. When I explained my concern over the week discrepancy between my ovulation date and my current due date they gave me after my ultrasound, she told me that they only worry if the dates are off more than a week. And then she advised me to take a deep breath and hope for the best. Never mind that I was calm! But nothing makes you sound less calm than angrily telling someone that you do not need to take a deep breath. So I dropped it and went on with the interview.)
The Problem with Positivity
The issue I have with staying positive is that sometimes positivity fails to take into account that bad things happen. I’ve miscarried before; I know that it’s possible. Good things happen, too. I’ve had a healthy pregnancy before; I know that it’s possible.
I guess what I mean is, rather than faking positivity and pretending miscarriage is out of the question, while I’m waiting for my next ultrasound I want to be prepared for either outcome. And something tells me that’s what other people in my position want, too. When coming across forums of other women experiencing the question of pregnancy viability, the phrases included in their posts go something like this: I want to hear others’ experiences, both good and bad. Be honest. Don’t sugarcoat it.
And so I’m faced with the question I’ve faced before: How do I hope and pray for the best, but acknowledge that the worst could happen, too?
Even if not…
At the risk of sounding like a broken record (I know, I’ve blogged about this before — twice actually, here and here), I come back to what has become one of my favorite stories in the Bible. In Daniel 3, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are about to be thrown into the fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar. They tell the King in verse 17: “The God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand.” But then comes my favorite part in verse 18: “But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
In other words, God will do what we ask. But even if He doesn’t, we will worship Him still.
And so that’s the truth I will focus on until my next ultrasound, now just two days away. Better than forced and fake positivity, I will say instead: I know God is able to do what I ask by saving and protecting this baby. But even if not, He is still good.
