A Health Scare During Pregnancy, Moses, + Waiting

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I know I’m not the first one to have a health scare during pregnancy. And I don’t want to jump to any unnecessary conclusions, since this will hopefully turn out to be absolutely nothing.

To bring you up to speed: Despite my own research about the commonalities of lumps in underarm or breast tissue during pregnancy, an ultrasound has since revealed an armpit lump to be unrelated to pregnancy and “suspicious.” (There’s always something, it seems.) As I currently await an appointment for a biopsy, I can’t help but wonder why they’ve already sent me to the “cancer center” for the ultrasound and now to the “surgical oncologist” for the biopsy. Aren’t there any other places in this town that can investigate a seemingly harmless lump without evoking feelings of panic?

I don’t mean to be dramatic, but worst-case scenario has my mind asking the unspoken, inevitable question. What if I’ve waited for so long to be pregnant with a child that I might never get to raise?

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A Return to Waiting

Despite the rather extreme (I hope) nature of this question, it brings me back to my thoughts on waiting. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for appointments, waiting for test results.

Regardless of the outcome of our waiting, our lives, it seems, are really lived in the waiting. And that brings me to one person in the Bible I think I often overlooked before: Moses.

The Last Chapter of Deuteronomy

Last summer when I read the entire Bible, I was incredulous upon reading the last chapter of Deuteronomy. Even though I already knew the story, remembering how Moses was only allowed to see the Promised Land right before he died — rather than enter it — made me angry. He had literally waited his entire life for this. How could God not let him enter it, after all that?

It turns out that the all that I’m referring to — his hardships, his suffering, his wandering in the desert, his waiting — all that was his life. And: “Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face, who did all those signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt — to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land. For not one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel.” (Deuteronomy 34:10-12, NIV)

Moses never got to enjoy the thing he had waited his entire life for. And yet…although the Bible doesn’t really tell us one way or another…something about Moses makes me think it didn’t bother him as much as it would’ve me. In fact, God told him in Chapter 32 that he would die before entering the Promised Land. Moses’ response? Instead of mourning or pleading, he set out to wish the Lord’s blessing on each of the tribes of Israel.

Moses + Lessons on Waiting

Perhaps Moses had already realized that his life was being lived in the waiting. Maybe there was a point in Moses’ life, as he grew older, when he realized that it wasn’t about him. Maybe it had dawned on him that his calling was to lead others despite his own suffering; that it would be his joy to lead his descendants to the Promised Land and bless them, even if that meant he didn’t get to enjoy it himself. Perhaps Moses already realized that his life wasn’t about himself; it was about committing himself to the Lord’s calling.

But before I wrap this up, one more thing worth noting. This isn’t to say that God doesn’t often give people what they wait for and pray for, and allow them to enjoy it. Just look around you for evidence of all of the earthly blessings God has bestowed upon you. Think back on answered prayers and joyful memories. We serve a God who blesses us beyond measure.

But Moses’ story is a reminder that no matter what God has called us to, our lives are being lived even now, even in times of waiting and uncertainty. Wherever you’re at in your waiting — still waiting to get pregnant, waiting for test results, or waiting on something entirely different — the idea that our lives are being lived now should be a gentle reminder to serve the Lord now, wherever we’re at. Our lives are not about us. God calls us to commit ourselves to his calling during times of waiting and uncertainty, just like Moses did all those years ago.

Update: The biopsy did turn out to be benign…God continues to remind me over and over again that I am not in control.

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