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I find it ironic that after years of infertility and a miscarriage myself, I still don’t know what to say to someone who had a miscarriage. Case in point: when a friend of mine confided that she had one a month or two ago, I found myself at a loss for words.
I second guess myself. Just because I wanted people to ask me more about it instead of pretending it never happened, does my friend want that too? Just because I didn’t want to hear all about how everyone and their mom has had a miscarriage before, making it so common, maybe my friend would find comfort in knowing that I’ve had one too? Or would that just be annoying to hear now that I’m pregnant?
Finding the words to say when someone else experiences a loss is tough, even when you’ve experienced a similar one. That said, reflecting back on my own miscarriage, here is what to say to someone who had a miscarriage:
Not a lot
Sorry, but if you’re looking for a list of things to say to someone who had a miscarriage, you won’t find one here. It just doesn’t exist.
You actually probably shouldn’t say much. Instead, I would start with one question: How are you doing? Then, listen. See where the conversation goes, but let your friend lead it. Ask more questions if it seems like they want to talk; don’t bring it up again if they change the subject quick. You will not hurt or offend your friend by asking them how they’re doing; however, if you assume they don’t want to talk about it and don’t ask, you might. If you’re worried about bringing it up, you can even add, “That’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to ask.” (And I hope this goes without saying, but you should definitely only bring this up in a 1:1 situation with your friend.)
And again, after you ask, just listen. I’ve realized that the problem with grieving is that everyone desperately tries to make you feel better. The truth is that sometimes you can’t make someone else feel better; they just need to grieve.
Honestly, instead of hearing the desperate attempts to make me feel better like, “At least it was early,” or “You’ll get pregnant again,” I would’ve loved for someone to say to me, “I’m sorry; that sounds awful. That sucks.” Because it does! But for some reason, no one wants to acknowledge that.
And speaking of things not to say: Unfortunately, we always remember most the things said to us that hurt us. It’s much easier to write a list of “what not to say.” So this is not necessarily a list of things not to say, but a list of things I would be careful about saying:
1. So-and-so (or I) had a miscarriage and then…
Don’t get me wrong: There’s a time and place for success stories. But I honestly hated hearing them right after my miscarriage. I didn’t want to hear how common miscarriage is or how most women have a healthy pregnancy afterward. I know that’s the truth, but hearing it didn’t help. Instead, it minimized the pain I was feeling. It felt like this was just a common occurrence I needed to get over.
When this might be okay to say: Referencing someone else’s story might be okay if the other person is asking for advice. For instance, when I had a miscarriage, I asked another friend what happened when she had one. Once I got past my grief, I was curious when she got pregnant again. Even then, though, I was the one to bring it up.
2. I get it/I understand.
You might feel like you do understand, especially if you’ve had a miscarriage in the past. We’re so quick to try to relate and compare our situation to others when we can! But although a lot of my friends have had miscarriages, hearing that they “understood what I was going through” frustrated me. Everyone’s experience with miscarriage is different, and when friends who already had several healthy children told me they understood, it hurt more than helped. (Even if they truly did understand, it was too hard for me to see past the fact that they had already delivered healthy babies since then.)
If your friend already knows you’ve had a miscarriage, she will be able to tell by your own emotions that you empathize and grieve with her without you having to say it.
When this might be okay to say: Probably never, honestly. Again, your friend will be able to tell if you really understand without you saying that you understand.
3. Nothing at all
Although I do recommend saying very little to see where the conversation goes, I don’t recommend not saying anything at all, or waiting until the other person brings it up. As someone who experienced a miscarriage, I was not about to bring it up in conversation to my friends. But I definitely did appreciate friends who were willing to ask me about it.
When saying nothing might be okay: If you are not close friends or if you are in a big group of people. In one of these instances, I would wait until you are 1:1 with the person or consider sending a card or small gift instead (see below).
Other Considerations
If you have a friend who experienced a miscarriage and still aren’t sure what to say or how to bring it up, you cannot go wrong with sending a card or small gift (see this list of miscarriage gift ideas). I found small gifts and cards from friends very thoughtful and encouraging (not to mention unexpected!).
And if you do bring it up and the conversation is headed nowhere, you can always say that you’re sorry and that you’re praying for her. Although I know others may disagree and be frustrated by this response, sometimes that’s just all there is left to say. But overall, the best thing you can do is listen.
