[Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links. You can read my full disclosure here.]
As someone who has been going through infertility for almost 3 years, not only have I written about it myself (check out my Ultimate Infertility Survival Guide here), but I’ve also been encouraged by so many other infertility bloggers too. I wanted to find out what my favorite infertility bloggers had to say was their best advice for coping with infertility.
And so I reached out to several of them, asking the question: What is the most important piece of advice you would give to someone who was just diagnosed with infertility?
Some of these women now have children of their own — either biologically or through adoption. Others have accepted and embraced a life without children. And some are still actively trying to conceive.
I hope their answers and advice for coping with infertility bring you hope and encouragement, as they have for me.
“It’s okay to let go of the life you once dreamed”
As someone who struggled through infertility for ten years and ended that journey without a little in arms, this is a difficult question for me to answer. As I think back to that dreadful day when my husband and I were diagnosed with severe infertility, I remember the shock and tears and clinging to one another for strength. On that day, if someone had told me that I would be childless, that the surgery and medications and seven rounds of treatment would not work… Well, I would have been even more devastated than I already was. But ending an infertility battle childless is a possibility.
The childless life I feared during my infertility battle, however, is not the childless life I am currently living. Now in my eighth year of accepting a childless not by choice life, I know that there is a vibrant, loving, supportive childless community ready to offer encouragement as we navigate the complex journey of grieving our childlessness and trying to find joy despite…
So, the advice I would give…
Try to have the little your heart desires. Try with all your might. But don’t feel like a failure if the dream doesn’t happen the way you pictured. Don’t beat yourself up if you need to stop trying, if you need to let go. I will never, ever, ever tell someone battling infertility, “Don’t give up!” I absolutely abhor that advice. Because letting go is different than giving up. And if you come to the end of your journey without a little in arms and realize that it’s time to let go… Well, that’s okay.
Sending you so many hugs, fabulous warriors.
–Brandi Lytle, Founder of Not So Mommy…, and Creator of the Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon
“Rejoice with those who rejoice”
The piece of advice that I have to offer comes in the spirit of spending Thanksgiving with my nieces and nephews, even though their very presence painfully reminds me that we don’t have any children at home. It comes in the spirit of saying ‘yes’ to planning my sisters baby shower and giving her the very event that 6+ miscarriages have robbed me of.
In my blog posts, I often encourage women in the same shoes as I, to take all of the time and space that they need to heal and cope with the pain of infertility (and pregnancy loss). However, in the process of coping with pain, you will be tempted to push people away, especially the ones whose family lives trigger you. You will want to turn down invitations to events and turn down opportunities that you would otherwise have accepted, because they make you sad.
Sometimes that is okay.
But at other times, your future self (the one that lives on the other side of infertility) will thank you for sucking it up and saying yes to the experiences that make you a bit sorrowful or uncomfortable right now.
Even though it doesn’t seem like it, this infertility journey is temporary and it has an expected end.
Don’t make emotional decisions that will negatively impact the important relationships in your life.
Don’t skip out on making valuable memories.
Because when this is all over, you don’t want to look back and regret letting infertility rob the most valuable parts of your life.
–Deze, writer at the blog By Deze
“Work your plan but trust God’s”
Take your diagnosis, treatment, and family planning one day at a time. Don’t “what if” yourself into a frenzy. The truth is, if you truly want to build your family (come hell or high water!), there are more ways to do so now than at any other time in history. Keep it simple by doing these two things: Work your plan as you trust in God’s good plans for you during your wait. This will bring the forward motion we humans crave along with a supernatural peace only God can give.
–by Sarah Rollandini, writer at the blog Real Life Real Faith and author of Life after Infertility: A Story of Hope for Those Who Wait (which I have read and highly recommend, especially if you are considering or going through the adoption process!)
“Infertility does not define you”
Don’t be defined by infertility, it is not who you are. You are perfect. Don’t let treatments, doctors, needles, consume your life. It’s a hard balance between keeping up with appointments and not obsessing over what your estrogen levels were. Do your research and don’t let what 1 doctor said lead you down a path that isn’t right for you. And the last thing, God gives everyone hard things to deal with in this life, don’t be bitter at Him. Look to Him for help and understanding, He loves you and really wants you to be happy.
–Tedi, writer at the blog Running with Infertility
“Your life is beautiful, not barren, in Jesus’ presence”
I never expected to struggle with infertility. It wasn’t even on my radar. The words “birth control” had given me the illusion that I was in “control.” But, I wasn’t.
When months of trying turned into years of trying, there came a point when I didn’t know how to deal with it anymore. The jealousy I felt towards everyone who seemingly got pregnant so “easily.” The tears and prayers and hope deferred again, and again. The deep sorrow that seemed to hover like a shadow over everything. And eventually the anger, that turned my heart hard and bitter—not wanting to tend it anymore. My heart was like an angry clenched fist, trying to tolerate the pain. Trying to “deal with it.”
One thing the Lord revealed to me during that time was that I was “barren.” Yes, I already knew that I had a barren womb, but what I didn’t know, was that I also had a barren soul. My soul had grown dry, and weary, like a barren wasteland. I was consumed with a deep longing for a baby, and I felt I could not be satisfied until I got pregnant, and had a baby. What I didn’t know was that God was pursuing me then. Right there in the middle of the wilderness, Jesus was pursuing me. He wanted to show me that the only one who could satisfy the deep longing of my soul—was Him. I think many women who are TTC (trying to conceive) are focusing on their physical body, and how to achieve pregnancy, they sometimes lose sight of their soul in the process. I know I did. My soul had become barren. It felt like there was no life, no growth, no hope.
But the truth is, whether we have infertility or not, our souls are all barren apart from Jesus Christ. He is the one who brings us to life on the inside. He is the only one who can quench the deep thirst of our souls. And He is the only one who can satisfy us with his Living Water. And I can testify, that He came in met me in the wilderness of infertility. Not because I was faithful, or spiritual. But simply because I was thirsty. He came and satisfied my soul with Himself, while my arms were still empty, and my womb was still barren—He filled me with His Spirit. He took my angry clench fists, and helped me slowly, gently open my hands to whatever He had for me.
And if you are struggling with infertility today, I know how empty and barren you may feel. I know how bleak and desolate your life may look. But I want to encourage you to look to Christ. To stake your hope fully in Him. To allow Him to gently open your hands to receive whatever He has in store for you. I don’t know if He will give you a baby, but I know He will give you Himself. And you will drink deeply of the rushing River of Life, Jesus Christ. In His presence, you will find that your life is no longer barren, but beautiful. For He will satisfy you with Himself. And you will never walk away from Him empty, thirsty, or barren. So dear sister, open your hands to Him. For only open hands can receive what He has. And all that He has is good. “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:5
–Rebekah Fox, blogger at Barren to Beautiful (join her Facebook group here!)
I hope you have found encouragement from my favorite bloggers — and now, what is your best advice for coping with infertility? (And don’t forget to check out my Ultimate Infertility Survival Guide!)
