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[Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or medical practitioner. Any medical information is strictly my opinion based on research and personal experience, and not to be taken as advice. Always seek the advice of a licensed physician for your medical needs. Read my full disclaimer here.]
After writing so much about infertility over the last year or so, I decided to create an in-depth, “ultimate guide” post on surviving infertility. This is the longest post I have ever written; for that reason, I have created a table of contents below for you to go directly to the section that you are interested in. That said, it is still not as in-depth as it could be. Therefore, I have also linked to other posts if you would like even more information on that particular topic.
To be clear, this is not a guide that will tell you how to get pregnant. (I have written a lot on that; if that’s what you’re looking for, check out my TTC tips section.) But the reality is that “surviving” infertility does not mean that you end up getting pregnant. Instead, surviving infertility means that you are able to make informed decisions about medical care, learn to find ways to cope socially and mentally, and, ultimately, become a stronger and more faithful woman of Christ while going through infertility. I hope this guide helps you to do just that.
Table of Contents
Medically
I want to start this guide by talking about the medical aspects of infertility, although I would argue that it may not be the most important aspect of navigating it. Before you even begin thinking about medical interventions for infertility, I highly recommend getting yourself a copy of the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Besides deciding to see a functional medicine doctor (more on that later), buying this book was hands-down the best decision I made during infertility (at least in a medical sense).
Assuming you’ve read that book cover to cover and understand all of the basics of fertility (but still aren’t pregnant), then it is likely time for you to choose a doctor.
Choosing a doctor
Let me start this section with a short story: There’s one go-to Fertility Center in our area. It has rave reviews, people I know have gone there and loved it, and they even offer support groups.
So after we’d been TTC for a year and a half, I didn’t hesitate to call and set up an appointment. Okay fine, that’s a total lie. I dreaded making that call and debated it more times than I’d like to admit. Before this it was all regular OBs and general doctors…a call to a fertility doctor meant this was actually happening. We were actually infertile.
So when I mustered up the courage to finally make that call, I listened to the operator through all the options once, including hearing that I was instructed to press 8 to hear what options I had for my leftover embryos.
Leftover embryos?
Despite my inner voice warning me to stay away and whatever you do, don’t call back, a couple months later we found ourselves face to face at 7am with a bubbly, wide-eyed and toothy-grinned nurse ushering us in to the doctor’s office. And when she made an appearance again after our consultation, squealing with excitement and asking us when we wanted to set up all of our exciting appointments like our first IUI, I about ran for the hills.
(Instead I ran back to school just in time to assign homework to my 2nd hour students.)
My point with this story is not that anyone did anything wrong (except for me, maybe, ignoring my instincts). Many women — and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this — would have been absolutely overjoyed and excited to set up an IUI appointment and be one step closer to a child.
The point is that it just wasn’t what I personally was looking for. But in retrospect, it may have taken that appointment for me to realize what that was.
What kind of care do you want?
Most likely, if you’re at a fertility center or actively trying to get pregnant, your goal is the same as mine: To have children.
However, when you’re going through infertility, the path to children can look very different for different people. Therefore, it’s imperative that you decide what kind of care you want and what type of doctor you’d like to see. Personally, as a woman labeled with “unexplained infertility,” I wanted personalized care that would get to the bottom of the label “unexplained.” Little did I know that the Fertility Center would be a far cry from what I was looking for.
That said, here are a few different types of people and the doctors that I think would be appropriate for each:
1. “Now that I’ve read and understand the basics of fertility (buy Taking Charge of Your Fertility!), I think I may have an issue with ovulation or something else.”
If you haven’t seen your regular OB yet for anything fertility-related and you suspect there may be something wrong based on your own research, I would first consult with your OB. In many cases, they can help you solve or test for a problem you think you may have. If not, they will refer you to a fertility specialist.
See also: What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting After a Year
2. “Given the fertility testing we’ve done, it is highly unlikely or impossible that we would ever have a baby the “normal” way, but I would like to try (or at least investigate) the other options that are out there.”
In this case, I think a fertility specialist is your best bet. The doctor that I saw was very upfront about the options, but assumed that I was already on board with assisted reproductive techniques (like IUI or IVF). If I had been, I think it would’ve been a great experience for me.
See also: What to Expect + Q’s to ask at Your First Fertility Appointment
3. “I already know there is something that will make it difficult for me to get pregnant naturally; however, I still want to do everything I can to become pregnant naturally.”
In this case, I would recommend you find a “regular” OB (not a fertility specialist) who is well-trained in fertility. Specifically, a doctor specializing in the Creighton Model would be ideal. If you go straight to a fertility specialist, they will likely start you on fertility treatments straightaway. Alternatively, see below for another option (functional medicine).
See also: Options Besides IUI or IVF
4. “I’ve been labeled with unexplained infertility…but I want to find out if there’s anything wrong and get pregnant naturally.”
(ME!) In this case, your best bet is to find a holistic or functional medicine doctor who is willing to take the time (and, honestly, quite a bit of your money) to personalize your treatment and run tests outside of the typical “fertility workup.” This is where I had success in finally finding the treatment that I wanted.
See also: 5 Reasons to try Functional Medicine
What to expect: Treatment Options
If you do decide to go the “regular” route of a Fertility Center, and assuming you’ve been using ovulation predictor kits already, things tend to move pretty quick medically. Here is what you’re likely to expect:
1. Clomid
The first action fertility doctors will typically take — sometimes even your “regular” OB — is to prescribe you with a drug called Clomid. This is a drug that helps you to ovulate. Many doctors prescribe this pretty quick — sometimes even before you do any testing, or even if you know you ovulate normally. Technically, Clomid is designed to be prescribed if you have found that you don’t ovulate at all or have irregular cycles. However, it seems to me as if many doctors prescribe it anyway as an “easy quick fix” once you have gone a year without getting pregnant. You may be slightly more likely to release more than one egg on Clomid, which is why you may’ve heard that Clomid can make you have multiples. Sometimes doctors (more often fertility specialists) will prescribe you Clomid and then monitor your cycles, having you come in for ultrasounds on certain days to see how many eggs you have released. Sometimes you may also receive shots to make your egg viable for longer after it has been released.
2. IUI
Next up: IUI. Aka the “turkey baster” method. Sometimes doctors will do IUI simultaneously with Clomid; either way, your cycles will be monitored so that doctors can put the sperm in your body at the perfect time.
3. IVF
When all else fails, doctors move to IVF with a combination of a lot of other medications. Because I have not done IVF, I cannot speak on ways to “survive” IVF; instead, I’ll jump to a few other things you may want to consider:
Other Medical Considerations + Final Thoughts
There are so many things to consider as you think about infertility in a medical sense. Among those things are:
–What fertility treatment and testing will your insurance cover? And what is the overall cost?
–Do you and your husband agree on which medical treatments to pursue?
–What are the risks associated with different procedures?
–What are the statistics of success?
–What will you do with leftover embryos?
Just to name a few things.
Overall, I don’t need to tell you that making medical decisions about infertility is difficult; you already know that. But it’s why I need to reiterate the importance of prayerfully considering all of your options and advocating for the medical treatment (or lack of it) that you choose. You are not bound to the medical treatment that any doctor suggests; one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through infertility is the importance of advocating for your own health.
See also: 3 Questions to Ask as a Christian Pursuing Fertility Treatments
Socially
You’re not supposed to tell people you’re “trying.” Besides it getting an awkward wink from your friends, you don’t want people watching you like a hawk every time you decline a glass of wine. Besides, it’s none of everyone else’s business, amiright?
At some point, though, when your friends are on their second kids when you’ve always talked about how you’d have kids at the same time…and you have yet to get pregnant with your first, your lack of children starts to become the elephant in the room.
People don’t want to say anything, because how awkward and I will mind my own business, and you don’t want to bring it up because how can I expect my friend who is juggling a toddler while 9 months pregnant to be able to relate to any of this.
And so suddenly you find yourself in the midst of infertility testing and ovulation predictor kits and doctor’s appointments and infertility, and no one has any idea.
See also: To Talk About Your Infertility…or Not?
Infertility Announcements
Infertility announcements and pregnancy announcements have one thing in common: Telling people feels like a big deal.
That’s where the similarities end.
When you tell people about your infertility, you unfortunately have to be prepared for a lot of different (and dare I say inappropriate?) reactions, such as:
–Unsolicited advice (the “Have you tried standing on your head and eating pineapple?” people)
–Minimization of your pain (the “Oh, you’re young and haven’t even been trying that long…you’ll get pregnant eventually” people)
–Total oblivion and disregard for social norms (the “Oh, I’m sorry. By the way, have you seen all of my ultrasound pictures of the baby I got pregnant with when we weren’t even trying?” people)
–Unknowingly placing the blame on you (the “You just have stop trying so hard and stressing about it…it will happen the minute you stop trying!” people)
–Well-intentioned but a bit off-base (the “You just have to be patient and trust God” people)
Honestly, when I first started telling people what was going on, some of these comments made me bitter and angry. I was shocked at how insensitive people were. I was appalled at how little they even listened to me, how little they even tried to understand.
And then I realized I needed to stop expecting everyone else to understand. I was humbled to think about how I would’ve responded to someone in my shoes. I doubt I would’ve said the right thing, either.
I like to think that I would be more sensitive, more willing to listen. But then again, I can guarantee I would’ve tried to fix the problem. I would’ve offered solutions. I would’ve tried to make them feel better by acting like they had all the time in the world to get pregnant. I would’ve said something condescending about having faith in God, as if they just weren’t trusting Him enough.
I would not have understood at all.
Part of the reason infertility is so difficult is because no one can relate; it is so isolating. As all of your friends’ lives change with pregnancy announcements and babies and new houses to accommodate their growing families, you are left behind to deal with doctor’s appointments, invasive testing, and the month-after-month heartbreak.
See also: When Pregnant Women Complain…and You’re Struggling with Infertility
When everyone else is pregnant but you
In the meantime, one thing seems to be a certainty when you are trying to get pregnant: everyone else can (and probably will, even when they’re not trying).
It’s not easy to deal with, and hearing pregnancy announcements sometimes leaves you with a pit in your stomach and a forced smile, rather than the excited and genuine reaction you know is expected.
When everyone else is pregnant but you, consider these two things:
1. Focus on becoming a better friend yourself
Oftentimes a lot of focus in the “infertility world” is on trying to educate other, fertile people on the “right” things to say. Or commiserating with one another about the ridiculous and insensitive things your best friends have said to you. Or giving yourself permission to skip baby showers and gender reveals because they’re too painful.
But think about it: Is that really what you want?
To miss out on some of the most exciting times of your friends’ lives?
I’m not trying to make you feel guilty if you’ve skipped a baby shower. And I’m not advocating you force yourself to go to a gender reveal the day after you’re recovering from a D+C.
What I am saying, though, is that I think we’ve given ourselves too much permission to miss the important stuff. I’ve never regretted throwing my good friend a baby shower in the midst of infertility. I’ve never looked back and wished I hadn’t gone to the hospital to see my friend’s newborn.
But I think I would’ve regretted skipping any of those things.
In the midst of wishing all your pregnant friends could relate to you, try to relate to them instead.
See also: Being a Better Friend Through Infertility
2. Find a healthy way to cope with infertility
Some people find comfort in support groups — even if you don’t feel comfortable with that, there are plenty of Facebook groups out there. Other people choose to see a therapist. Still other choose to read or journal.
Me? I’ve chosen to write: My own form of “therapy” and it’s been a way for me to “meet” (albeit online) other people going through infertility. While many people will try to comfort you by saying things like, “You’re not alone,” it doesn’t mean much unless you actually meet some other people going through the same thing.
Whatever you do, proactively doing something to talk or write (even if no one else ever reads it) about infertility can make a big difference.
See also: The Best Books to Help you Cope with Infertility
Mentally
One thing people — especially pregnant people, it seems — will tell you during infertility is that you just need to stay positive. And then you read about the power of positive thinking and pregnancy affirmations and you start to think: Can my negativity really be the reason I’m not getting pregnant?
No, people, the answer is no.
I’m actually all about positive thinking. I’ve even written posts on how to stay positive through infertility (like this one on how to stay positive during infertility!). In general I like to try to think positively, and the research on positive thinking and healing is fascinating to me.
Let’s be real, though: When it comes down to it, you need to be honest with yourself and with God. And sometimes honesty — feeling jealous of others and angry at God — comes out as negativity…and that’s okay. False positivity will get you nowhere. And it won’t make you fertile.
Building Resiliency
I read a book not too long ago on loss that helped change the way I think about infertility. It talked about the 3 P’s of resiliency: Permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization. If we focus on these things, it can help the terrible things in our lives make us more resilient, as opposed to making us depressed.
First, we need to realize that things will not always be this difficult, whether we end up with children in the end or not (permanence). Second, we need to realize that our infertility does not impact every single area of our life, even though it may seem like it (pervasiveness). And third, infertility is not our fault (personalization).
*As a side note, if you’re interested in that book, it is called Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. I highly recommend it because it will completely change the way you comfort others who are grieving and the way you think about your own infertility. I cautiously recommend it because some parts do get a little political.
So much of our time is spent trying to figure out how to get pregnant; what if we spent more time figuring out how to thrive in the midst of it?
And while we’re on the topic of thriving and experiencing joy during infertility, I have to turn to the most important element of that: Spiritual.
See also: Does Infertility Ever Get Easier?
See also: How to Overcome Infertility Guilt
Spiritually
Many people I’ve talked to have said that the most difficult part of infertility is not physical, mental, or emotional; rather, it’s spiritual.
It’s not difficult to see why. For many Christians, infertility may very well be one of the first things in your life that you want so badly but feel you have no control over.
As you experience disappointment month after month despite constant prayer and pleading, you start to question: Why is God picking on me? What did I do wrong? Why does she deserve babies but I don’t?
In the midst of wrestling with these questions, I’ve had four major spiritual revelations:
1. Blessings
One major revelation that comes alongside infertility is the idea that blessings are not earned. This seems to be obvious, but when you look back on things in your life, aren’t there some accomplishments — perhaps subconsciously — that you’ve attributed more to yourself and your own hard work, rather than to God?
The problem with this thinking is that if you think you can earn everything, then it’s also your fault when things go wrong. If you think you have control over your life, then everything in your life is up to you, too.
We act like we have to “give God control” over certain situations; in reality, we never had control over our lives in the first place.
Every blessing we have is from God, not something we’ve earned ourselves.
See also: How to “Give God Control”
See also: Doing Everything to Get Pregnant While Knowing You’re Not in Control
2. God’s plan is not easily understood, and that’s okay
But why? Doesn’t God want me to be happy? Why wouldn’t He give me this blessing that others seem to get so easily?
There’s not an easy answer to this question. Why does the drug addict and the high schooler get a child…but I can’t?
I won’t pretend that I have the answer. Perhaps it is not for us to know. But the fact that I am asking those questions do, in fact, reveal another spiritual truth.
See also: Why I’m Not Trusting God’s Timing Anymore
See also: In the Midst of Infertility, Is God Still Good?
3. God is all I need; I don’t have to wait for children to be happy
The fact that I ask Doesn’t God want me to be happy? implies that I need something besides God to be happy.
How many times have you told yourself the lie: “I’ll be happy when…”?
Children are a blessing and a reason to experience happiness, yes. But the moment we believe that we need children to be happy is the moment when children become our idols.
It’s not a bad thing — it’s not being too “negative” — to think about the possibility of never being able to have children. In fact, the consideration of living forever without something you deeply desire is when you may realize: God is all you ever need.
See also: Finding Contentment While Waiting on God
4. Calling
Last but not least, one of the most powerful things that has changed my perspective on infertility is the realization that my infertility is a trial that God is calling me to go through.
Every difficult thing we have to go through in our lives — and, perhaps, especially the difficult things that we feel we have zero control over, like infertility — are a part of the life that God has called us to.
Although I do not understand why, I know that God has asked me to trust Him through infertility. He has asked me to walk this road, meeting new people and experiencing different things that I may not have otherwise. He has asked me to put my faith in Him even in the midst of uncertainty.
Perhaps, years later, I will be able to look back on years or a lifetime of infertility and things will fall into place. Perhaps I will eventually understand why all of this happened. Or perhaps not.
Either way, when going through infertility, you simply have to trust that God knows exactly what He is doing. You must realize that this is the life that He has called you to. And you must choose to live it faithfully; our calling is to glorify Him no matter the circumstances.
Conclusion
Infertility is frustrating. It’s maddening. It’s unfair. It’s a place of limbo, a period of waiting that may or may not have an end. And sometimes you just wish you knew. Just wish you knew how everything will end up. Wouldn’t things be easier if you just knew you’d have a happy ending with the children you desire? Wouldn’t this trial be easier to endure?
Or even if you knew you’d never have children, so you could just try to move on?
That may very well be the most frustrating part of it all: The inability to know how this will all end up.
But surviving infertility doesn’t mean you’ve figured out a way for your struggle with infertility to be over. Rather, it means you’ve figured out how to be content in the midst of it all.
This is very touching and helps me understand what my daughter in love and son are going through. I’d love to share with them but not sure if it’d be received as I’m intending it to be.
My other son and daughter in love just delivered identical twin girls and it’s very hard for our family’s in this moment to find joy and also understanding why not them at the same time. Please reach out to me if possible so I can better help my family during this beautiful/and also trying time.
Thank you so much for reaching out — that is really tough. Just the fact that you are aware that there is a possibility that sharing infertility resources may not be well received goes a long way. I do agree that the way things are brought up makes a difference. Although I don’t know your family so can’t say for sure, I think you are on the right track by sharing something like a blog post (even via text or email) and saying something like, “This really resonated with me — I thought you might like to read it, too.” That way you aren’t really making suggestions or giving advice, but rather offering solidarity and understanding. I’ll email you with some other ideas too. Thanks so much for reaching out!
Your blog is truly a blessing! I am currently struggling with infertility (and struggling with admitting I am struggling with infertility) and I am surrounded by well meaning Christian loved ones who just don’t get it. Your posts are a lighthouse in this storm and give me concrete tools to always put God first in these trials. Thank you SO much!
Thank you so much for your comment — I am so glad you are finding encouragement through my blog!