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In the last year since I’ve had my son, I’ve had friends and relatives have miscarriages, stillborns, and continue to struggle to get pregnant. I also just had a friend tell me she’s pregnant — on the first try…well, okay, not really even trying.
And I guess I thought having a child now would make me feel differently. I thought I’d be able to really rejoice with those who get pregnant on the first try without feeling even a twinge of jealousy. I thought I’d still know just what to say to friends struggling with miscarriage or infertility.
Instead, I’ve realized that I no longer fit in either category. I still feel a punch in the gut when I hear someone got pregnant trying-but-not-trying. I don’t wish infertility on anyone…but if I’m brutally honest with myself, sometimes I can’t help thinking even now, “Really?” And I no longer feel confident that I know what to say when someone can’t get pregnant. Should I even say anything or have I become one of those annoying success stories, as in “easy for you to say now that you have a child already”?
And though we’ve been officially “trying” for another child for several months, again I don’t fit into either category: Can I even commiserate with those going through infertility for the first time? To long for another child after only eight months of trying feels greedy when God has already granted us one blessing (one that we waited almost three years for), while others are still waiting and hoping for just one miracle.
And yet a familiar annoyance creeps in when others assure me that so many people who go through infertility the first time get pregnant immediately the next time — because, of course, now the pressure is off and I won’t stress so much since I already have one child.
Are people really still thinking I brought infertility upon myself? (Insert head slapping forehead emoji here)
I truly did hope that maybe I’d be one of those people who “accidentally” got pregnant before officially “trying” — the whole, “not trying not preventing” thing. (Maybe this time around, God?) And funnily enough — even after all I thought I learned the first time around — I actually almost expected to be able to plan the age gap between my kids. (Yes, you read that correctly: I thought I might be able to decide not only just to have more children, but also when to have them.)
As I pray again for a child, I think back to just a couple of short years ago, when I distinctly remember praying to God for just one child. God, there’s a lot of people who already have one and want another…I just want one.
But of course, here I am again. Asking for another.
God, what could you possibly still have to teach me from this? Haven’t I learned all the lessons about waiting already?
Then I wonder if I haven’t been grateful enough for the little boy I have. I wonder if I’ve been too quick to assume again that I can control my life. I wonder if the fact that I think I’ve already learned everything about waiting is at the root of the problem.
I’ve been scouring my Bible, my old notes, my old posts, relearning all of the old lessons I thought I knew.
And maybe, I’m realizing, that’s exactly the point.
It’s been a while since I’ve sought Christ rather than my own plan. And I have a sneaking suspicion that God is once again reminding me how to be content.
As much as I’m sometimes tempted to think that I can be content because at least God has given us one child, that’s not it. Contentment doesn’t come from the “at leasts.” At least I have this or that.
Contentment comes from knowing that everything we have right now — children or not — is everything we need. Contentment is truly believing that God has a better plan for us than we have for ourselves, so that even when our lives don’t go the way we plan, we know that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
So if you’re waiting to get pregnant for the first time, after miscarriage, or again, rest in the fact that no matter what happens — whether you get pregnant again this month, or in another 3 years, or never again — God is working everything out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). And you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now as a part of His perfect plan.
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